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Depression Invasion

July 27, 2014 — 10 Comments

Depression invasion!

We had a wonderful day, went to sleep, and I woke up to a completely different husband.

It is only in the past few years that I truly understand that hubby has always been very very depressed. And depression sucks.

I thought it was me.

You see, in the past I used to blame myself. Since normal people do not just wake up in a hateful place for no reason, it had to be me, right?

I mean, I burnt the toast, didn’t I?

And I forgot to take the butter out.

I didn’t write down that ATM withdrawal and overdrew the account.

And my step-son freaked out and screamed for his mother all night.

So screaming, spitting, throwing, breaking, cursing, and then finally going to bed for a few days was an appropriate response, right?

My mother was bipolar, showing me both mania and deep, suicidal depression. I know not from appropriate responses.

And I would act out too, mind you. I screamed, broke things, cursed, and shook with anger. I often had a Bad Day.

I thought people were entitled to bad days.

About 10 years ago I started to work on myself. I kept journals, started a gratitude practice, and made a concerted effort to tell the truth always.

I dug for the positive, gave out lots of compliments, and started to forgive everyone, including my parents and myself.

I stopped holding grudges. I realized how much of my behavior was learned from my mother.

And I started to live a better life.

Suddenly I had more energy, now that I wasn’t spending so much on anger, resentment, and grudges.

Suddenly I had more money, now that I was giving and spending appropriately and not either hording it or throwing is away.

Suddenly I had more opportunities, as my light grew and attracted others.

And suddenly, my marriage was better, as I forgave hubby and myself, stopped holding on to anger, and started telling the truth.

Hubby was still depressed.

Yup.

Not as angry, not as confrontational, but still depressed.

And even after we moved to NYC, with stable income, and he has written and published two books to some critical acclaim, he is still depressed.

Yesterday he was fine.

Truly! We took the ferry over to Governor’s Island, explored Fort Jay and Castle William, had a picnic, got caught in a little rain, saw a huge hawk, and ordered sushi for dinner. A great day.

And he woke up this morning depressed.

Bad depressed. Like, “my life sucks and nothing matters and I hate my life” depressed. He is in bed as I type.

I feel like he has been invaded.

Today is a depression invasion!

How long will it last?

Who knows?

He will assure me that it is not my fault. And I know it isn’t.

But it still sucks.

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Lynda Lippin

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Lynda Lippin is an award-winning NYC-based Certified Pilates Teacher with 25 years experience, an ACE Certified Personal Trainer who specializes in TRX® and Kettlebell training, and a Usui Reiki Master. Lynda's teaching style, which is described as "nurturing yet demanding," allows her clients, such as journalist Natalie Livingstone and designer Donna Karan, to overcome basic issues of poor posture, poor alignment, stiffness, injury, and back or neck pain. Lynda Lippin's clients end up stronger, taller, more flexible, and thinner with many fewer aches and pains. Livingstone says, "Lynda is the only personal trainer I have worked with who combines hard-core cardio, super-toning but not bulking weight circuits and expert pilates. Her results speak for themselves...." Contact Lynda Lippin to schedule a session or for more information.

10 responses to Depression Invasion

  1. thanks for writing about this painful topic

  2. Sending healing vibes to you and your hubby…

  3. Thanks ladies! It just never gets any easier.

  4. (((REACHES THROUGH SCREEN AND HUGS YOU)))
    CARLA recently posted…What 3 words would OTHERS use to describe you?My Profile

  5. I’m so sorry! I hope he’s able to get help that can work with him to fight through this!
    Erin @ Her Heartland Soul recently posted…Weekend Snapshots 7.28My Profile

  6. IM sure its not easy for him either. I have been there myself, and its like being locked away inside yourself.

  7. I know it is hard for him. But knowing that doesn’t help make it any easier on me.

  8. Im sure, depression, like alcoholism affects everyone.

  9. What a powerful post -- thank you for sharing. I could really identify with
    ” I realized how much of my behavior was learned from my mother”. Stay strong -- it can’t be easy. Take Care

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